She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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