I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
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She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
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In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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