I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
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Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
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I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize