dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
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i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
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I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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