I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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