Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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