apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
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Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
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Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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