Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
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after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
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I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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