dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
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ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
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That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
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