my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
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If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
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Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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