It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
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We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
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If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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