I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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