Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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