The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
tequila makes me forget i have legs
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
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I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
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Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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