dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
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debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
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whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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