My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
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That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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