my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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