sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize