I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
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I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize