Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
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i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
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I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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