i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
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I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
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You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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