dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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