apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
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i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
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He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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