so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
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I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
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Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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