Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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