If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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