I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize