I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
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The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
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Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
All I want is dick and wine.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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