For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize