im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
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Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
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