I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
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After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
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In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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