I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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