ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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