i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
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