I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
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Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
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He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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