I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
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After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
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He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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