I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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