She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
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but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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