fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Swine flu is the new snow day.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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