i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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