Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
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I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
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I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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