I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
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So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
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Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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