my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
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There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
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HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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