Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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