Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize