He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
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he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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