Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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