you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
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We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
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I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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