he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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