I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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